Jimmy Kimmel roasted the broadcast and streaming television landscape at Disney’s annual upfront presentation Tuesday, powering through his monologue despite fighting off a case of COVID-19.
Appearing at the event by remote, the late-night host delivered a searing stand-up routine during the company’s event to advertisers in which he mocked the traditional broadcast networks, including ABC, as well as streamers Netflix, Disney+ and Amazon.
Here are some of the best jokes from Kimmel’s monologue.
— “You know, every year I say, ‘Fuck Netflix.’ And this year it came true. Netflix lost subscribers for the first time ever; things are really tough over there. They have layoffs today. I hear they might not even be able to get Emily back from Paris. Their solution to this shortage of subscribers is to crack down on password sharing. Remember when Netflix openly encouraged us to share passwords? We were like, ‘How do these people make money?’ Turns out, they don’t. So now they’re coming for our ad money — just technically your money, but you know what I mean. And it sucks. Although I have to admit, after those smug bastards choked the life out of us for years, it feels really good to see them stoop to selling advertising. Everybody loves bridgerton, How much do you think they’ll love it when it’s interrupted by a tech commercial every four minutes, you zillion-dollar dicks? We already have the Netflix with commercials — it’s called Hulu. Shout out to Hulu, the Stephen Baldwin of streaming platforms.”
— “NBC only picked up one new drama, and it’s a reboot of the 59th most popular show of 1990. For real — Quantum Leap, They’re rebooting Quantum Leap and Night Court, That isn’t a fall schedule. Those are the tapes you find in your dead uncle’s VCR.”
— “Our ratings are in the toilet right now. But with your financial support, it could be in one of those fancy Japanese toilets.”
— “There are too many pluses to compete with: Disney+, Hulu+, Paramount+, Apple TV+. It’s a plus-ter-fuck. There’s even a Crackle+, and that’s not a joke. Whoever thought we needed a Crackle+ must be smoking crack at home.”
— “There are many who say network television is dying. I’m not so optimistic. And yet, somehow, even though ratings are down, ad spending for broadcast television was up 37 percent the first quarter of this year. How is that possible? The more viewers we lose, the more money you give us. What kind of message is this sending?”
— “Of course the streamers are crushing us. We’re a fax machine five years after they invented email.”
,The Bachelor is celebrating 20 years on our network. A lot of people are asking how we’re gonna keep The Bachelor franchise fresh. The answer is very simple: We’re not. We are gonna keep doing the same shit until everyone has herpes. Asking what’s next for The Bachelor is like asking what’s next for White Castle. It’s gross little burgers and crinkly fries, what are you not understanding?”
,Dancing with the Stars has been shoveled off to Disney+. We’re removing a show watched almost exclusively by senior citizens to a platform watched almost exclusively by children and adult virgins.”
— “Hulu is on a roll. They have the Kardashians now, or the Kardashians have Hulu. I actually learned a lot from that show last week. I learned the difference between Big Dick Energy and Big Ball Energy. … I know this because ‘storytelling is at the heart of everything Disney does.'”
— “Fox didn’t even bother release a fall schedule yesterday, which makes no sense. Why even have an upfront? But what if CBS said, ‘Hey, we’re not gonna release a fall schedule.’ If there’s no fall schedule, how will we know if Blue Bloods is still on the air?”
— “NBC paid almost $8 billion for what turned out to be the lowest-rated Olympics of all time. I have to say it’s surprising viewers didn’t think watching skiers doing jumps in the shadow of a deserted nuclear power plant was the feel-good story of the year.”
— “One of the few new shows CBS picked up stars Marcia Gay Harden. Or, as she is known in Florida, Marcia Harden.”
— “A Disney CEO has never spoken at the upfront before, and now we know why. Bob [Chapek]I think I speak for all of us when I say we can’t wait to see you in GI Jane 2,
— “We may not have the Olympics, Young Sheldon or 14 shows about Chicago — but you know what we do have? Nathan fucking Fillion. The man your mother would murder your father for in a heartbeat.”
— “We just want you to spend your money with us, and if you don’t, I will have died of COVID for no reason.”